en
Sarah Pinborough

Behind Her Eyes

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    Катерина Кудрявцевацитуєминулого місяця
    Pinch myself and say I AM AWAKE once an hour.
    Look at my hands. Count my fingers.
    Look at clock (or watch), look away, look back.
    Stay calm and focused.
    Think of a door.
    Катерина Кудрявцевацитуєминулого місяця
    Later, I wake up in the dark beside Adam’s bed. My breath comes in rabid pants as the world settles around me. He is fast asleep, one arm still wrapped around his battered, worn Paddington Bear. I watch him for a moment, letting his calm become mine. How do I seem to him on those occasions when he does wake up? Some crazy stranger who looks like his mum? For a boy who’s never had bad dreams it must be unsettling no matter how much he says it’s not.
    Катерина Кудрявцевацитуєминулого місяця
    ‘Sleep is different for me,’ she says, eventually.
    ‘How do you mean?’
    She sits up then, and looks at him. She thinks she likes him. Maybe there is a different way to deal with all this crap. A way that will help him too. She doesn’t say so, but this isn’t the first time she’s been in a place like this either. Sleep keeps bringing her back to therapy. First it was her sleepwalking and night terrors when she was eight, and now it’s her not wanting to sleep at all.
    Sleep, always sleep. Faux sleep, real sleep. The appearance of sleep.
    And at the centre of it all is the thing she can never tell them about. They would lock her up for ever if she did. She’s sure of it.
    Катерина Кудрявцевацитуєминулого місяця
    I look up at the clock whose tick cuts through the vast silence in the house. It’s still only eight a.m. He’s probably just getting to the office now. He won’t make his first call home until eleven thirty. I have time. I go up to our bedroom and lie on top of the covers. I’m not going to sleep. But I do close my eyes. I think about the clinic. David’s office. That plush cream carpet. The polished mahogany of his desk. The tiny scratch on the corner. The two slim couches. Firm seats. The details. I take a deep breath.
    Катерина Кудрявцевацитуєминулого місяця
    People respond to beauty. It sounds vain, but it’s true. David once told me that jurors were far more likely to believe good-looking people in the dock than average or ugly ones. It’s only the luck of skin and bones, but I’ve learned that it does have a magic. You don’t even have to say very much, but simply listen and smile, and people bend over backwards for you. I have enjoyed being beautiful. To say anything else would be a lie. I work hard to keep myself beautiful for David. Everything I do is for him.
    Катерина Кудрявцевацитуєминулого місяця
    I have to laugh at myself. Who am I kidding? I can’t do this. I’m more at home discussing the latest storyline of Rescue Bots or Horrid Henry with Adam than trying to look like a modern, sophisticated woman. My feet are already aching in my two-inch heels. I always thought it was something you grew into, that ability to walk perfectly in high heels and always dress well. As it turns out – for me anyway – there was a small phase of that in the nightclubbing years of my twenties, and now it’s mainly jeans and jumpers and Converse with a ponytail, accessorised with life-envy of those who can still be bothered to make the effort. Life-envy of those with a reason to make the effort.

    I bet she wears high heels, I think as I adjust my clothes. More fool me for not sticking with trousers and flats.
    samairaveerabhadraцитуєминулого місяця
    Everyone has secrets, Lou,” she says. “Everyone should be allowed their secrets. You can never know everything about a person. You’d go mad trying to.”
    juliasegura97цитує2 роки тому
    Sharing a secret always feels great in the moment, but then becomes a burden in itself.
    juliasegura97цитує2 роки тому
    ‘There’s no right and wrong with feelings. There is only what there is.’
    juliasegura97цитує2 роки тому
    No one ever truly thinks the best of anyone else.
    Smira Raoцитує2 роки тому
    Three can keep a secret if two are dead.
    juliasegura97цитує2 роки тому
    A thing had been done that could not be undone.
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