David Stoop

Forgiveness, I have learned, is the key to resolving the pain of the past and breaking generational patterns. Without it, nothing is ever laid to rest. The past still operates in the present.

However, to say that families are dysfunctional is redundant. Every family is dysfunctional to some degree because everything that human beings touch is to some degree dysfunctional. “Dysfunctional” means that something doesn’t work the way it was intended. Each of us, because of Adam’s sin, doesn’t work quite the way God designed us to work. Our families, our work, even our play is less than perfect because of sin.

The problem, of course, is that we live in an imperfect world. We were all raised by imperfect parents in imperfect families. And, if we are honest, we recognize that we have all grown up to be imperfect adults. There is thus a sense in which we can all justifiably see ourselves as “adult children of dysfunctional families.”

POINTS TO REMEMBER

1. Understanding your family background is the key to understanding yourself.

2. All families are dysfunctional in some way. It’s better to talk about healthy and unhealthy families.

3. People move away from home to get away from their family; but in reality, they take their family with them.

4. Today, families are changing, as are the roles of men and women, but family is still an intersection of two covenants.

5. Your first task in life is to feel safe; i.e., experience attachment. The second task is to be separate; i.e., experience autonomy.

6. Personal freedom comes when you face your problems headon.

Everything occurring in a family, regardless of how carefully it may be hidden, impacts the children. Everything.