The Emotionally Absent Mother, Updated and Expanded Second Edition

, a number of studies suggest that the various forms of insecure attachment can be associated with emotional rigidity, difficulty in social relationships, impairments in attention, difficulty in understanding the minds of others, and risk in the face of stressful situations.12
The latter is because the stress response is less healthy in those with insecure attachment. Stress response plays a role in our susceptibility to many mental and physical illnesses. The stress response is mediated by the hormone cortisol, and insecurely attached children are disadvantaged by having too much of it circulating. High levels of cortisol have been associated with depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, and alcoholism. Too much cortisol can damage parts of the brain responsible for retrieving information and thinking clearly.13 High cortisol is also believed to contribute to insomnia.

Looking at the child with love. One researcher reports that this is the most critical element in developing the part of the brain responsible for social behaviors

When any one of these essential functions is missing, it leaves a hole in our development. Understanding what holes are there is a first step in eventually filling that hole

There may have been times both in childhood and in adulthood when you turned to Mother for help. What happened?

Mother is not consistently available, is self-absorbed or absorbed elsewhere, is erratic and unstable or unable to be emotionally present for the child, then we don’t experience her as home base. There is no Mother’s lap. This may show up in adulthood as difficulty establishing a sense of home.

Mother is our first home base, later replaced (or partially replaced if she maintains that role) by subsequent relationships and whatever we identify as home—be it community, country, place, or something else.

“I’m here for you.” When you really take that in, then even in adulthood you will reference Mother as the place you can always come back to for refueling, comfort, or support.

course a mother can also be overprotective, not allowing her children as much room as they need to experience the world, or she can be protective in ways that communicate her mistrust in the child’s capacities or perhaps her own mistrust of the world. How well Mother fulfills this role of protector cannot be reduced to only whether she provided protection but must also include how she provided it.

She teaches her child how to get along with others, how to make good decisions, and how to manage time, meet responsibilities, and pursue goals.

Mother as Mentor provides enough support and guidance for us to develop our capacities.