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David Bonham-Carter

Introducing Assertiveness: A Practical Guide

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    seeking to have your own wishes met irrespective of the needs or wishes of others and without showing reasonable respect
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    behaviour which is characteristic of people who seek to avoid conflict or criticism.
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    if I act in the new way, I will have treated the other person with respect and won’t feel so bad afterwards, and that I am just as likely to achieve results.’
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    Principle (a) is also relevant because by acting in such an aggressive way I am not really respecting the feelings of the person I am talking to.’
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    make my complaint or request for action to resolve it promptly, but I will do so in a calmer manner and a calmer tone of voice.’
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    If you have a tendency to act too passively then focus in particular on the (a) statements in the above principles. You may find it helpful to memorize those and write them out on a card, or pin them on your wall or record them in your mobile phone to remind you of what to focus on. On the other hand, if you have a tendency to act too aggressively then memorize and note down the (b) statements above.
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    You may also not be showing respect to others, if your passivity involves you not telling the truth to others or not showing a reasonable level of trust.
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    You may also not be respecting yourself enough to believe that you can act reasonably.
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    standing up for your own rights whilst also acknowledging the rights and needs of others.
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    Say, ‘I like it – I think it goes quite well with these trousers. What is it you think it doesn’t match with?’
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