Inside the Mind of an Angry Man: Help for Angry Men and Those That Love Them

Angry guys almost always feel unique. They also feel very alone. And even though others have suggestions and solutions, and try to help him, our angry man says, “Those solutions won’t work for me because I’m different.” So they have no one but themselves to get answers from or from which to find happiness. If people don’t do as they want, they try to manipulate. If that doesn’t work, they turn to anger. He does what he needs to feel in control—even if it’s at the expense of those who love him.

Expectations for purposes of self-esteem are a setup for misery. The irony is that the angry man’s goal of autonomy and independence is actually the converse. In reality, the angry man lives emotionally dependent on others to determine his self-worth. It has never occurred to him that he can find validation and respect within himself. But as he was taught early on, his feelings didn’t matter. His value had to come from someone or something else.

So look at the extremes. When the angry man experiences some sort of threat or fear, he goes cognitive. When the woman experiences threat or fear, she goes emotional.

The disjoint comes when there’s an extreme on both ends. In general, she leaves her head behind and goes straight to the emotion. And he leaves any sense of feeling behind and goes to his cognitive thinking.

When the angry man is looking for affirmation, he does his little dance, his manipulation, whatever he needs to do in order to impress Susie-Q. Susie, at the same time, looks past the manipulation and likes how she feels. She looks at what he’s giving her rather than how she’s really feeling. She’s empty as well. So she finds somebody who is giving her a sense of attention that makes her feel like she’s okay. So Susie’s getting what she needs from him. He’s being adored by her. And while all couples, healthy couples, have this, the difference is that the two of them are lacking a sense of value of self and self-esteem. They are looking at each other to fill that need. And that’s why there is such extreme connection and enmeshment, as we call it. They both lack the ability to date slowly or carefully. These relationships usually come together very quickly because each party has, in their mind, found the answer to their problems.

If one grows up believing that their environment has all the power over their sense of value and sense of self, then if they don’t like it, they are simply going to try to recreate the environment.

that’s the nature of the anger cycle and the angry man. That’s needing someone else on the outside to fill his emptiness on the inside

The angry man has an extreme need or expectation for feeling autonomous, or independent. Their desire for autonomy tells them that they don’t have permission to “not know” or to say “I don’t know how” or “I need some help.”

So while young girls find that being a successful female in society is to have good relationships, young boys learn that to be a successful man is to be independent, unemotional, and able to stand on his own.

Respond rather than react.

We react when we feel powerless and respond when we feel empowered. Stay calm and take care of your feelings. Don’t worry about his.

Address their feelings and not their words.

Trying to talk to his issues is like talking to a wall. You are focused on resolve while his focus is on protection. Speak to what he feels and he will deescalate.

Remember that his fear undermines his feelings. Even though he lives his life in a protective mode, what he really wants is to connect. He just doesn’t know how and unconsciously he doesn’t believe he deserves to get it.